Timeout: “How have I been doing? I’ve been well. “

A proper write-up. Finally.

“I have a word for my life here – I’ve finally figured it out. Sedentary.”

How have I been doing? I’ve been well. Thank you, for wondering and caring. Life here is mostly good. Sedentary and uneventful, filled with mundane activities like rides to and fro work; stops to the grocery store; endless and unimportant chatter, though meaningful in their own way, with housemates, colleagues, and colleagues-turned-friends.

I’m not doing anything impressive or groundbreaking at work thus far – mostly learning, new knowledge everywhere – neither am I rubbing shoulders with all ‘the right people’. I’m awkward, to put it simply. I tend to lack tact because of my extreme straightforwardness, especially when it comes to self-awareness. I’ve no idea how to act, what kind of persona I’m supposed to adopt – which not-myself version – to fit in. I’m not a chameleon, the likes of those who are effortless and adaptable in social settings and network as they juggle conversations with faces and names too quickly forgotten. This continues to be a source of stressor of mine when it comes to the working world – navigating people, who would’ve known that all those self-motivation books were right all along – but this aside, I am learning to enjoy all the good parts.

I admit, I’m not all the way there yet in terms of accepting everything about the present. Like the fact that I am not doing environmental engineering – not for the time being, at least; I’m still trying to come to terms with this. I’m not bitter about this, though admittedly a little regretful. My first taste – who would’ve guessed. The goal here is to learn, I keep reminding myself. Learn first, get good and then move. To where, on what – I’ve no clue. I’m taking things day-by-day.

On the friendship and new social circle front – I’m making new friends. I’ve no idea if we’ll all become close to one another in a deep, meaningful and lasting way… for now, I’m fine with taking whatever I can get. I’m trying not to be clingy, or worse – greedy. Though yes, I admit: I think I experience frequent bouts of loneliness here, more deeply felt and palpable than never before. But I’ve also established coping mechanisms. You gotta do what you gotta do in order to survive; I’ll live.

To be completely honest, I don’t like everyone I’ve befriended and gotten chummy with – some have me seething with annoyance every time I have to tolerate them – but most everyone is nice. Not one unkind soul (yet).  I think I am constantly hungry for ‘real talk’ – deeper conversations – so much that I’m ever-hungry …but I’ve taken to just making a phone call when the blues hit. I talk to Eldest Sis for up to an hour-plus, or I call up my cousin – or chat with old friends.

Or, I simply drown in dramas, forget this realm for an hour or so almost every night.

Life here is sedentary mostly, and I’m almost always exhausted. I am in the office by 8 AM and because of my online learning modules – I usually leave the office between 530 and 6 PM. Project engineering means – at least for now – plenty meetings. I’ve lost count of the number of meetings I’ve attended and interestingly – even when you speak zilch in them, only listening and observing, you still leave feeling extremely tired. So yes, I really feel like I am mostly exhausted.

The transitional phase has yet to be completed and adjustments are still necessary; my mind and heart still feel like they’re being pulled every which way, a tradeoff and conscious attempt in wiping away newness. Because I want easy familiarity back. You can say I’m desperate – maybe I am. Indeed I am. Because I am tired, you know, of starting over. How do people do this frequently? How do they survive and still feel like themselves? I must learn the trade.

But really, I’ve been well, thank you for wondering and caring. Quiet, exhausted, and when not overwhelmed – still plenty lost, but also more at ease. All things considered, though this transitional phase is still ongoing – I think I’m happy to be here.

I think I’m happy.

…everything else though, you ask? Hm. I’ll address them in later write-ups to come.


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