The Bigger You Love (The Harder You Fall).

i.

On a good day, I think:

Deciding to relocate and kick-off First Job and the Big Bad here, in Miri, was the best decision that I have made for myself. Because though the growing curve is crazy steep with middling highs and plentiful lows – wisdom and understanding, when they arrive – in baby steps – is aw man… so darn satisfying.

Sometimes I truly feel that I am at a pivotal point in my life – quarter-century in exactly a month; goodness! – and realizing this, I’m glad, sincerely, that I’m experiencing a specific layer of growth right here in this town, at this point in time, and challenged by distinct characters and traits embodied by those I’m surrounded by. No moment in life is a coincidence, that much I’m certain. In this moment, I truly believe that I am exactly where in life that I am supposed to be.

ii.

It’s been difficult to write.

Because it’s difficult to talk about loneliness, and even more difficult to articulate why, exactly, and what, exactly, that is so difficult and aching about it. I am honest to a fault, after all, but I hate to be looked apologetically upon. Don’t. I’m not asking for sympathy – that’s not the reason for voicing out my ongoing frustrations and stressor. I’m just, literally, trying.

“No one chooses to grow old alone, I think,” I said out loud, tonight, while in the company of two girls I’ve placed trust upon. Maybe this trust will someday be broken; maybe it will simply corrode with time – but in this moment, I’ve decided to trust. “I think that I think about this a lot these days because I recognize it as a shortcoming; a complex that I have. It matters to me because the outcome matters to me. How do I get to where I want if I constantly fall for those with whom I can’t see any outcome for us?” I let the night’s darkness swallow their unvoiced responses, before choosing to speak again.

“For many years, in all those years I weren’t in a relationship -never bothered and you know why? It wasn’t cos I felt I wasn’t good enough – it was the opposite. I felt that none of the guys I met and knew was good enough; none deserved me. Why do I need to settle for a second-rate version of myself just because everyone – not I – thinks that it’s important to be with someone? I didn’t want to. But now that I’m older and less resistant… whenever I look at those who go in-and-out of relationships, trial-and-error, and those in inter-religious relationships, I think, ‘how do they pull that off’? How do they do it and do so like it’s so easy? Because I don’t know how to do that. Is it because I’m hung up about outcomes, constantly weighing probabilities?”

iii.

“I think life is a series of choices,” I said, all fired up now. “Whether circumstantial or deliberate in our decision-making… we are, our lives are, the choices we make. I can do life alone, because generally I do alone really well-“

“What do you mean?”

“-I don’t find ‘alone’ a handicap. As in, that my life – I am – crippled because I’m by myself. I refuse to look at it that way, at least. My life is full; I am a whole person, irrespective alone or if I’m with someone. Maybe because I spent many years traveling solo, generally doing life alone – I’d really like to change this now. I think it’s nice to share the good things about life. I’d like to have a travel buddy; a friend who gets me – who’s on my team, you know what I mean? Someone to share life with.” 

iv.

Dear God, I hope you’re listening. I don’t mean to complain; I promise I’m trying to be a bigger and better person in 2016. But on good days like today when I am actually moving forward from these thoughts – they always… well. They always annoyingly return in the form of snarky or imposing characters who make it a point to remind me of my singlehood, as if being single is a disease. Worse, they also seem to believe that their sympathy is solicited, when it’s nothing but.

Can we do something about them?

I hope you grant me my person; I wish navigating people isn’t so difficult, cos I’d love to shut up about this already.

I just want to be twenty-five and live. Alone or with someone by my side – I want to be present in any moment, happy.

v.

I’m glad, drowning though I am in (still plentiful) newness, to be here, experiencing this madness period of growth.

I’m glad, not apologetic or regretful, to be here. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in both time and space.

It’s an uncomfortable predicament and period – but that’s when one grows the most, isn’t it?

vi.

epilogue

(Let’s do this. Let’s see how far I can take growth for a ride.)

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