Be careful of loneliness. Protect your heart from it.
I think I might be in love with an old friend of mine – but I won’t trust my heart on this. I refuse to. Some people are worth fighting and keeping in our lives; I won’t lose another friend in the same way I did once before.
I find in him a kinship and likeness that is similar. “We share the same values and mentality on many things,” I said to a mutual friend of ours – new to me, not-so-new to him – in explaining our friendship. “He’s a kindred spirit. I… He’s a friend I dearly, sincerely love. I think of him as one of my closest friends-“ I think I often make it sound like we’re close. I gave a small laugh. Because the truth is… “-but you know him – something of a lone ranger. I don’t know if he thinks the same way of me – that I’m a dear friend of his too. Cos y’know, it might well be that I’m the only one being over-the-top by myself.”
I text and bug him occasionally, because we’re good and old friends like that. I joke around with him plenty. I talk way too much and therefore dump him with my stories. I act lame and spoiled in front of him whenever I want to because I know I can. For me, with him, even from years ago – there’s no wall or mask between us. All the while, me acting silly and being myself when in his company has never meant anything – but now, like before, I start feeling self-conscious.
But lightning will not strike twice. I won’t let it. I can’t.
I can’t lose another friend because I misinterpreted what’s in my heart, conjuring things that were never there – not then and still not now. Don’t make things up in your mind, I remind myself. Don’t place something that isn’t there, there.
He’s a friend. An extremely dear and dependable friend – how blessed I am.
Still, tonight, I… put in a small prayer, impossible though reality is. I put in a small prayer anyway, for potential – or peace. Maybe I asked for both. I’ll keep this as a secret. Because this honestly feels more like an imaginary, psyched kind of falling.
Trust me: be careful of loneliness. Protect your heart from it.