“…but I won’t trust my heart on this.”

Be careful of loneliness. Protect your heart from it.

I think I might be in love with an old friend of mine – but I won’t trust my heart on this. I refuse to. Some people are worth fighting and keeping in our lives; I won’t lose another friend in the same way I did once before.

I find in him a kinship and likeness that is similar. “We share the same values and mentality on many things,” I said to a mutual friend of ours – new to me, not-so-new to him – in explaining our friendship. “He’s a kindred spirit. I… He’s a friend I dearly, sincerely love. I think of him as one of my closest friends-“ I think I often make it sound like we’re close. I gave a small laugh. Because the truth is…  “-but you know him – something of a lone ranger. I don’t know if he thinks the same way of me – that I’m a dear friend of his too. Cos y’know, it might well be that I’m the only one being over-the-top by myself.”

I text and bug him occasionally, because we’re good and old friends like that. I joke around with him plenty. I talk way too much and therefore dump him with my stories. I act lame and spoiled in front of him whenever I want to because I know I can. For me, with him, even from years ago – there’s no wall or mask between us. All the while, me acting silly and being myself when in his company has never meant anything – but now, like before, I start feeling self-conscious.

Goddamnit feelings.

But lightning will not strike twice. I won’t let it. I can’t.

I can’t lose another friend because I misinterpreted what’s in my heart, conjuring things that were never there – not then and still not now. Don’t make things up in your mind, I remind myself. Don’t place something that isn’t there, there.

He’s a friend. An extremely dear and dependable friend – how blessed I am.

Still, tonight, I… put in a small prayer, impossible though reality is. I put in a small prayer anyway, for potential – or peace. Maybe I asked for both. I’ll keep this as a secret. Because this honestly feels more like an imaginary, psyched kind of falling.

Trust me: be careful of loneliness. Protect your heart from it.

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3 thoughts on ““…but I won’t trust my heart on this.”

  1. I really wish we met or something when you were still in california because I honestly feel like we could have had really amazing ~life~ talks….but perhaps this is just /me/ projecting onto /you/. Nonetheless, I will start by sending you a internet hug, because, ugh, I can sympathize with you and this whole post.

    I would say, perhaps, instead of guarding your heart against loneliness, to guard your heart against rash decisions. Or, taking actions in the fluster of emotions. This will sound so clinical, but between friends, stakes are high and it is better, I think, to approach a possibility with the level-headedness of some very logical thing (??? Lol). Not that this will produce the desired results, because it’s a terible thing that your heart is not in your own hands, but at least you can determine, without doubt, that your feelings are true and the risk worthwhile. I think we are all toyed with by loneliness but we don’t have to become victims — and our friendships don’t have to become casualties.

    1. You’ve just been quoted :) thank you for this, needed it. I spent the past 2 days (when not busy and swamped with RL/training) chewing on your words, especially that last sentence. I’m keeping this close to my heart. Thanks m’dear <3

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