painfully (only) human

I found out today that one of my newbie-friends who I’d thought to be seriously religiously practicing, in truth, occasionally drinks (alcohol). Upon discovery, I struggled, surprisingly, to mask my disappointment.

I know – I know – it is not in my place to judge – at all – and I’ve long been aware that however anyone, myself included, chooses to live our lives is no one else’s business. It is not in my place to judge. Sure, I have personal opinions – I’m human after all – but I shouldn’t lay them out in the open; I hate to be judged, likewise I should never impose my judgements.

Yet my moral compass, in all honesty, took a nosedive this morning with this accidental discovery. My conscience weighed heavily upon my soul. I understand that just as I have chosen and constantly chooses religion as a pillar in my life; there are those who choose to exclude it in their lives. This simply means we diverge on certain things and way-of-life…

…but some days, like today, I admit my humanness – I’m trying, hard, to come to terms with this… that one can be a good person yet still compromise their relationship with God. I’m trying, hard, to remind myself that the path to God is an individual, unique journey. I’m trying so damn hard to swallow this taste of disappointment at the back of my throat.

It’s not in my place to judge, period.

Epilogue (i)

“He’s got to be in love with my mind,” I finally summed it up, when pressed for an answer about an ideal type or qualities that I look for in a romantic interest.

“…Then comes religion,” I answered just as honestly, now specifying quality number two.

“Religion matters to me; it’s the grounding that my life and life-decisions are based upon. I have… boundaries… and though sometimes I am, myself, frustrated by them – I understand why they exist. Why they matter in my life.”

“I’m 25. I think I’m adult enough by now to make decisions for myself, in my life. I choose religion – to live righteously and subjected to a God – in every aspect of my life; I can’t suddenly, conveniently ignore it when it comes to love. And maybe I’m discriminating whenever I choose to give up before anything could ever take place because someone is of a different religion – but this is bigger than myself. It has always been so and lest I forget, the marriages of my brothers are blatant, direct reminders. Sure it’s love – but so what? The answer isn’t so easy. I have boundaries and I think at 25 that I am now, like choosing to wear the headscarf, I’m adult enough to accept why they exist. I’m not brave – I don’t know how to walk that line.”

Epilogue (ii) 

I put in a prayer today, seeking forgiveness for the two of us. I hope light will come to your heart when the timing is your time, I asked. I’m sorry for my own shortcoming, thinking I’m above another person because of the way our life choices diverge.

Then I thought of someone else and in a twist of irony and absolute sheer humanness;

I pray that we’re given a chance.


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