(last night)

i.

Three girls, one guy, and a two-story rented house in a receding oil-and-gas town at the northern tip of Sarawak, Borneo.

ii.

“My two years at Stanford drove home this point: I do alone well, but not loneliness. By the end of 2015, I came to the conclusion and acceptance that I… don’t want to do life alone anymore. I hope I won’t grow old alone.”

“If you were once so adamantly against romantic relationships and marriage, and for a long time too – why do you believe that being in a romantic relationship would fill that void in your heart?”

“I come from a large family, you know that by now, and friends who have survived me – they’re my closest friends. Small circle, but tight-knit. I have an amazing support system in the form of these two groups – I’m incredibly loved as a whole person. Yet even in the most loving friendship… there’s only so much you can be to and for each other. It’s not that I view romantic relationships as a solve-all answer – no, I don’t believe so – but it’s the only thing that’s missing in my life-“

“-that one, single thing I still don’t know anything about. I’d like to change that.”

iii.

“Eldest Sis… is my guiding light. In her wisdom lies my truth.” 

guiding light
“No matter which road I travel – it will always end with you.” (May 2015)

iv.

“I think my number one pet peeve is cockiness; boastfulness; ego-“

“Oh, you should’ve met me two years ago.”

“Oh, no. You should’ve met me three – four now – years ago. Twenty-one and convinced I was so fly.”

v.

“I sent our dinner photo just now to my girlfriend.”

“Uh-huh. What did she say?”

“‘It’s either you’re cheating on me… or you’re the gay best fr-‘”

All three, in unison, “Gay best friend.”

We spent the next minute trying not to die from laughter.

vi.

“I think I’m a made-engineer.”

“Maid?!”

“M-a-d-e. She meant made, silly!”

“Six years of engineering school taught me the skills and know-how. I can act and be an engineer now, I think, but truthfully speaking, those technical traits don’t come naturally to me. I like to think that yes, I’m professionally trained as an engineer… but I’m really a writer at heart. My heart speaks in abstract languages.”

vii.

“How could you leave Melbourne? You had the city!”

“Dude! I had San Francisco. Probably one of the best cities in the world to live in-“

“-I had the city and that was all. No family, not that many friends, no partner… just an apartment.”

“Exactly. I had San Francisco – and that was all I had. It wasn’t much of a life.”

viii.

“I could never do that. I could never do what they’re doing; throw caution to the wind just like that.”

“You do realize that they’re probably not even thinking of forever? Maybe to them, it’s just a fling.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with that – I know. But I’m just saying, personally – I could never do that. Because like she pointed out-“ I lifted my index finger and pointed to the girl comfortably seated on the floor, “I’m the kind of person who seek emotional attachments. And I recognize that myself. I’d love to just treat someone as a fling, to not take anything too seriously; just live for the moment, you know? But already with friends, I love deeply. In a relationship… damn. Surely a total goner.”

ix.

“Personally, I think it’s preference. One’s own personality. Objectively speaking though, if I don’t have religion – I’d probably do a lot of things – stupid shit – in my life. But I have boundaries; they exist for a reason. So even when I want to, I can’t.”

“I don’t think it’s a religious thing. I’m not a religious person and I could never do those things myself-“

“Wait. Correction. Let me rephrase that: because I have religion, I don’t do those things.”

Pause.

“Crap. Never mind. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore!”

x.

I almost wished that last night lasted forever.

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