It’s very difficult being confusingly half-in-love with a close friend, and even more exhausting being the only one who’s (allegedly) in love. I think one-sided crushes and lovin’ are tiring – one of the things I detest the most – because there is so much emotional outpouring… for nothing. Forget reciprocation; all these emotions – where do they go? Wasted.
But most of all – I’m frustrated at the lack of control that I have towards myself whenever my heart feels like it is at the mercy of another person. There’s a reason why I do alone so well; I hate feeling like I’m losing grip of myself.
Which, in a way, is exactly what I feel is happening lately – I notice way too much: his car; his green light indicator; his afterwork activities. Every time I walk to the main office, I secretly wish I’d bump into him. When we text, I care too much whether he’s read them and if he’ll reply. I keep wondering if I’m the only one with an onslaught of feelings (I am).
I think I want so badly to remain a paradox, forever neither this nor that – yet loved just the same.
Why can’t I ever be – in every sense of the word – easy?