the fight; still, today.

At this point – just under six months – with work, I’m either:

  1. Impatient about these ‘struggling early years’
  2. Unrealistic about a far-reaching professional dream
  3. Have actually identified my professional aspirations
  4. Impatient
  5. Impatient
  6. (Goddamn) Impatient
  7. All of the above

Today I confirmed that my request to add Environmental as a secondary skill pool was unsuccessful and I… sigh.

I actually have no words.

I think I am officially experiencing my first bitter taste of regret (hint: it has everything to do with myself not practicing and developing as an environmental engineer in these formative professional years). I’m trying to be mature and realistic and adult, basically – for instance: no, I don’t intend to quit my job… – and I do remember Eldest Bro’s words to me last year, when I told him I’d accepted the role of a project engineer as my starting ground. I wasn’t sure how much I’d like it, to which he replied, “You’re not supposed to love your first job! First jobs are meant to be a starting point of what not to do and figuring out what you really want to do!” But I… have been and am really struggling to find meaning in what I do now.

A mistake; that’s what this all feels like right now. Mistake.

Why did I enter into this with eyes and mind wide open? Now I’ve only myself to blame.

I just… I feel perpetually stuck and uninspired in this role. I’m trying – I promise all I ever do is frikkin ‘try‘ – but even now, six months later, this constant internal unease is exhausting and frustrating. How… does one force oneself to love?

Sigh. I have no words.

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