Sometimes I wish there is a guidebook on how to live life as an adult in a way that I can be proud of when I look back; not have to recall every moment I’d to stumble twenty times in order to get a single thing done right, or that even when I do poorly at my job and the problem is in fact myself – I am myself not a failure. Every time I’m back home during the weekends, my mother would tell me not to reduce myself. That it doesn’t matter how I’m looked upon – what matters is how I carry myself. I don’t know how to tell her I wish bravery and spunk could be genetically inherited. How is it that I am soft and pliant, so unlike her? Because if anything, most of my 2016 have been spent having absolutely no clue what I’m worth beyond the classroom and force-reminding myself that even if the problem is myself – I am not a failure as a person.
Some time, many years ago, Eldest Sis said this:
“Your problem is that when you’re upset – you want the whole world to be upset with you.
But it doesn’t work that way. The world spins just fine, even without you.”
Eldest Sis had also once said this:
“You need to learn to build your coping mechanisms because if you don’t, the world will break you. In the real world, it doesn’t matter how good you were in the classroom; how much you know; how good of a person you think you are.
They want to know what you can bring to the table. Stripped from all your past academic achievements – what do you stand for? What can you bring to the table? How does your presence contribute to the bottomline?”
I cried my heart out through a one-hour phone call tonight with my writing/life mentor; my other voice of reason and substance. Those tears solved nothing, both of us knew that; they only provided temporary release. But you know, at this point – fuck it. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what I stand for. I don’t know who I am anymore, beyond the classroom and here in this so-called real world, big bad what-have-yous. I don’t know-
“You’ve to start dropping the ‘I don’t know’. You do. And even if you don’t? No one has to know.
Then drop the ‘like‘ – this isn’t America. You’re not there anymore.
You’re an adult. Yes, you. You are. You’ve to start sounding like one.”
“Your task right now is to find out all the hows – how do you get better? How do you ask the right questions? How do you better manage your stakeholders? How do you speak effectively with your boss? How do you build your competences?
But you can start tomorrow. You’re allowed tomorrow.”
Force-remember, part I:
All things are difficult before they are easy.
Force-remember, part II:
Even if the problem is you –
You are not a failure.
You are not your failure.
Even if the problem is myself – I am not a failure as a person.