(I think I still have rain in my heart)

Rainy days, in my mind, are melancholic writing days.

This evening I recalled my last evening at Bario where we found ourselves seated at a table outside of one of the few small shops in the town center, enjoying iced coffee and tea. It was a rainy evening then, too. For some reason, our conversation on that cloudy evening was mostly about this new chapter of mine: the working world …or surviving The Company, in short.

Of the plentiful topics and stories we shared between the three of us that day, for God knows whatever reasons, I remember with crisp clarity, one in particular: Housemate #1 being annoyed with me at one point – this is Housemate #1 after all, blunt as ever – turning to colleague-friend and saying, about me, “I’ve told her this since long ago – you can’t keep introducing yourself via all your weaknesses.” She turned to look at me, her expression serious. “Woman, you can’t freely hand them over for anyone’s taking – not everyone is to be trusted but most importantly, you’re not helping yourself if you keep selling yourself short before anyone can even get to know who you are.”

I think I’m… feeling the effects of this now, lately, in the workplace… How do I put this… there’s humility – then there’s insecurity? Perhaps it’s time to address the latter and attempt (again, this time harder) to overcome and find ways to at least, put some demons to rest. Because what keeps happening is that I retreat, always and instead, to obscurity and silence; I’ve become mute. Why does this always happen; whatever happened to girls I once were? Eldest Sis has a term for this – ‘coping mechanisms’ – and she’s been trying to sell it to me for years. “Don’t be defensive,” colleague-friend advised last weekend. “Have openness to accept feedback and to act upon them.” I like to think that that openness itself is utmost bravery.

These days the state of my soul is desperately in need of guidance and grace; Ramadhan truly could not have arrived at a better and apt time. And if anything – if there’s a thought I take comfort in – it is that God’s timing is indeed perfect.

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