“Some of us make our own light-“

The more I listen and learn about The Company, the more I think I’m not meant to be here. Not the right fit. Eldest Bro’s advise is invaluable – just like the one he advised on grad school back then (“You’re there to learn -not to die trying!”): the true purpose of a first job is to find out what we dislike – crossing items in a list as opposed to jotting points down. I really need to study more on what kind of jobs (and roles) and workplace environment would be a better fit for me because over here I’m just… unmoved, heart-wise and intellectually. I understand this much now: I need causes I care about.

“Living things don’t all require
light in the same degree. Some of us
make our own light: a silver leaf
like a path no one can use, a shallow
lake of silver in the darkness under the great maples.”
— Louise Glück, Lamium

It does not mean I am not grateful for a job here, especially given the state of the oil & gas industry at the moment – I am constantly aware of this, believe me. But remove this moral consciousness and objectively speaking, it is neither the company nor myself; we’re just not made from the same fabric. The company’s core business is something that I care nothing or little, if any, about. It is driven by values that I care little or pretentiously about, much as I understand their complexity, reality and importance in our lives. I am aware that perhaps I am young, and foolish, and idealistic – all detrimental in the long-run and thus only make me seem and sound foolish at this point in time, but I also like to think I have recognized and established some of what I care about in life, personally and professionally.

This isn’t it.

Colleague-friend told me last weekend that I need to move from being problem-centric to solution-centric or solution-driven. That I enjoy and take comfort in heart-to-heart conversations and the like, but in truth, I approach them from an angle that only creates an avenue for grievances and outpouring of emotions with no concrete solutions.

If it’s one thing I have learned with clarity and the hard way: never undermine perception.

Sometimes a paradigm shift is all it takes to create a powerful ripple.

So I’m giving myself a small homework – just like crossing items from a list as I go through this first job experience; identifying all the things I do not want to do more of, simultaneously, I hope to come across those that will move me.

This isn’t it.

This much I know and feel with certainty: I need causes I care about.


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