(on my prayer mat; shivering with fear)

I’m writing this at midnight because it’s midnight.

And because I am… scared.

I’ve liked a few friends before in the past; nothing happened between any of them and myself – only (the best of) friendship. But none of them were Muslims to begin with, and I was always never brave in my pursuit of anything further, so my boundaries were always there: apparent, respected, and a clear reminder of what we can and cannot be for each other.

I am writing this now, at midnight, shivering with fear because this is the first time that I feel like I… want someone.

I’ve wanted a lot in my life thus far – things; dreams …never people. Never… a person.

I also have a pretty good track record on the things and dreams that I wanted; the major ones, I had had them.

So what happens now, at this particular point in time, to want someone?

What happens – what do I do? – when what it is that I want this time around is a person?

And what does it mean – does it mean anything? – were I to admit that this wanting feels eerily certain?

The thing is too, I was fine before this week. I was fine all this while. I was happy being by myself, enjoying the things that I do with family and housemates and the occasional stream of closest and reconnected friends. Despite what people think, all this while, I’ve never thought of myself as at a loss. I had low moments earlier this year, yes, but I’ve moved on since.

My point is: I wasn’t actually lonely before this – him? – happened. I was enjoying myself. I was – am – really living my life.

So what does it mean to want someone, genuinely and with certainty?

And – perhaps most importantly – what does this mean… if it doesn’t mean anything…?

I’m writing this at midnight because it’s midnight, and because I am… scared; I’m genuinely shivering with fear.

This one feels like it may turn out to be a different beast – the first in a series of firsts in late-blooming adulthood.

I’ve no answers tonight for my heart’s desire.

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