I keep thinking of this particular paragraph written by Nayyirah Waheed …especially that first sentence. Where I disagreed with her in the past when I first read this – because I didn’t ‘get it’ – I think that now I… maybe do. To a degree, maybe I understand it (a lot better) now. I still can’t say I agree completely – I simply don’t agree that we’ve to leave the other person just cos he/she has yet to catch up with us – but I think I finally ‘get’ the wisdom behind her sentence opener.
Now that I’m sobering up from these flurry of feelings for A, and after a strangely eventful month, we’re also about to put some distance between us – he’ll be off for training for the next three weeks – I think maybe the truth is… even if he does have similar feelings towards me… I don’t know if he’s ready and knows what to do with them. In this sense, when I think of him – he is still young. A two-year gap is nothing to write home about, I know, but at the same time, at this point in our lives: it matters. I think of how I’d spent my own twenty-third and twenty-fourth years; specifically, how much I’d changed in that two-year period and know by heart that I can’t underestimate these growing, maturing years. They were short, but defining.
Therefore when I think of him, who’s only twenty-three years young and only just starting out – I’m thinking that even if he does have feelings for me, though I’ve no clue the slightest on whether this could be true, I doubt he knows what to do with them or perhaps the right statement is: I don’t know if he would be brave enough to act upon them. I don’t know if he minds (he probably does), this two-year gap between us. I don’t know if he minds (he probably does), this Stanford pedestal thing that exists between us. I don’t know if he minds (he probably does), how crazy polarizing our personalities are.
I’m thinking – because I’m crazy in that I still believe this is a form of Divine Intervention – that if he has feelings for me but does not know what to do and how to act upon them right now… I’m actually willing to wait. Crazy, I know. But the thing is, my life was going on fine-just-fine before him; I’ve honestly never even seen myself to be in a romantic relationship until at least thirty. So if it’s going to take him say, two years to arrive at a point in his life where he feels ‘ready’ to act upon those feelings – meaning we’ll be friends with a sliver of hope for something greater in future after two years; right now I actually feel okay about this. If I know there’s hope for something more in future… I’m genuinely willing to wait. However, if there is simply nothing here whether now or in future, my only prayer is for us to keep a close friendship between us because I still stand by my revelation that he’s a great person – but I would accept that we simply aren’t meant for each other.
I just… I think I really want God to know that I’m okay with trusting Him completely when it comes to this life affair. As I wrote yesterday, the truth is that A has already given me the greatest gift: a rekindled love for God and being Muslim.
“No mirror ever became iron again;
no bread ever became wheat;
no ripened grape ever became sour fruit.
Mature yourself and be secure
from a change for the worse.
— ‘Mature Yourself’ by Rumi (Mathnawi II,1317-18)