(what it’s like to question Love)

I’ll be vey honest: two questions have been heavy on my mind for two weeks now, since news came out that three of my closest friends here in Miri are moving back to KL; two are relocating to the KL office while the third is switching companies. Two questions… that have everything to do with a particular person identified here as A.

I am well-aware and admit that perhaps at this point, I am more fascinated and taken by the idea of him and what he represents – this surprise flurry of feelings that I never saw coming but because of them, can envision, like a crazy person, a hypothetical future together – than who he really is i.e. the person that he is. I’m aware that I’m extrapolating so damn much when it comes to him – but it’s as if I can’t help it. How can I …not… when his very presence signifies possibilities…?

Two questions:

  1. How do I make him like me back?
  2. What happens if I decide to wait for him to ‘grow up’ – only to then be relocated out of Miri myself?

In my head, I think, “I’ve found this great person – I want to keep him in my life.”

In my head, I also think, “I know that life in Miri is a bubble. If anything were to happen – it has to be here.” 

But the thing is, the truth is – I think I’ve been asking the wrong questions.

And this is where I am trying to lean by faith; what it means, truly and sincerely, to surrender.

Because if there’s one sure thing in 2016 that I’ve learned about life, it is that I’ve so little control over my life and self. I can keep planning my development at work and personal growth (including slotting in weekend getaways) to my heart’s content – but the truth is, change is the only constant. I can keep obsessively planning, but frankly, I’m only a chess piece. Based on how my life keeps unfolding this year… I just keep coming back to this conclusion: truly, He is the best of planners.

So I’m trying very hard and sincerely to now rewrite these questions.

I’ve been having deep, intimate conversations with Him where I tell Him, “I really like this person. I think I’m willing to wait for him to ‘grow up’ – but I’m also afraid that this waiting will go down to naught, or it would be too late by the time he’s ‘ready’ – what if by that time, it would be my turn to leave Miri, following the footsteps of my three close friends…?”

I let out a sigh; simultaneously wanting yet wary.

“I’m thinking of this all wrong, isn’t it? Because if it’s up to You – if things were to take place; they will. I can worry all I want… plan all I want… but the ball isn’t in my hands. You brought him into my life just like that, after all.”

I paused to steady myself and my jumbling thoughts.

“I am learning,” I tell Him again, “I want to learn to lean by faith. What it means by the word ‘redha‘; what it means, all those times in the past, when I hear people talk about the act of surrender when it comes to You. I want to mean it when I say, ‘I trust my life and love to You’ – because I’m in the midst of being transformed overnight right this moment. I believe You.”

A week ago, K – an atheist – asked, “What is it that you look for when you pray? Is it answers, or ease?”

I paused for a few seconds. “Both, to be honest. My Eldest Sis said a profound thing last week, ‘The answers you seek do not lie with me, or even A.’ It is instead, she said, through my continuous conversations with God. I understand that. I also understand that I need to be arrive at the answers at my own pace… which is why I’m asking for ease, for now…  I need to earn the answers, I know, but A’s presence has also been such a shock to my system; I never believed it when people speak of how a person changed their lives, you know? ‘When you know, you know’ kind of statements… pfft! But A’s presence – a total surprise – has shaken everything I thought I was once wholly convinced. All those sharp edges… where are they now?”

No lie; it has been an extremely strange – very… adult – past month.

My mind is now filled with questions I’d never, not once, thought I would ever formulate.

But in this confusing and incredibly personal turn-of-event, I’m grateful to be able to ascertain that I am and have grown up into a person I am proud of to recognize as my whole being. Before I realized it, I’ve become an adult after all. Without realizing it too, I turned out well. To a degree, my self-worth is complete. I know this now because today, my friend said this;

“I like that you’re clear.”

“What do you mean?” 

“You like A – that’s clear. But you like yourself – that’s clear too.”

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