the ongoing fight at nine months and counting.

I just spent two hours writing this on FB… sharing here as well cos you guys too, have been nothing short of awesome.

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Overheard Mum telling Eldest Bro on Monday, “She hasn’t even worked for a year… but it’s like she’s so tired? I’m thinking, ‘Has she been working very hard…?’ She keeps sleeping…” 

Confession:

I don’t know if I can claim to have been ‘working very hard’ because while it is true that this is my own doing, what’s with traveling every weekend for the last 1.5 months and spending many after-work hours catching up with work or on my recent leadership symposium for young professionals… I think the honest, real truth is that I’m suffering from first-year working-life blues – or something that feels a lot like what this sounds like – and I hate to admit this because this only further proves how poorly I am at dealing with and responding to change including that which requires me to “stop thinking this is still U-life” (gosh I get it already…!) but part of the recovery process, I believe at least, is to accept the truth for what it is.

So… truth: despite my nonstop weekend travels and happy photos with wunderkind friends, 90% of the time I struggle between feeling too much and nothing at all. With traveling, I still do so out of curiosity and on opportunity-basis, but unlike times past, my 48-hour ‘adventures’ (and choice of reading materials) are telltale signs of a restless, weary soul desperate in its search for ease. If I don’t force myself to do things… frankly, all I keep wanting to do is sleep.

Mum was right (don’t you just hate this…) – I did spend the last three days mostly asleep (even during the day…). It’s really only today that I woke up feeling like a functional, omg-I’m-still-alive adult.

My 2016 thus far has been all about growth of the mostly annoying kind, but it’s also been filled with a myriad of characters – many of which are distinct, though those closest have been nothing short of amazing and wonderful – and while I know the year hasn’t been utterly horrible (I’m really just spoiled… I know…) cos The Company, for all my quibbles, isn’t The Worst out there (the irony; some would even argue they’re the best!), this feeling of constantly being stretched thin and challenged to be/act differently, personally and professionally, and worse, stuck and uninspired by tasks that leave me with existential questions at the end of workdays… now realizing what Mum notices… hmm I probably haven’t been my best(better) version whenever anyone’s able to catch me this year… so y’know, I just wanna say: thanks everyone for being ever-patient with me – especially this year. I want it to be known that I appreciate this gesture a lot, and sincerely.

Not shown (here, because anonymity is still important) is a photo of myself in ’95, aka at age 4! -eating cake, naturally, cos even when life sucks …one’s allowed to take a moment to enjoy a slice of cake.

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I repeat, know this:

Thanks, sincerely, for being ever-patient. It means the world.

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