If I am to be completely honest, I think it is true: I am half-in-love.
But. Even though the palpitations and visceral fear have mostly subsided, there’s still plenty of confusion left in their wake and I suspect, this is in part due to the plentiful questions that continue to linger on my mind and in my heart, even now.
I think of the words ‘prayers incarnated’ when I think of A …and no longer know how to explain myself.
I’ve therefore, understandably and finally, for several weeks now, stopped talking about him in-person to anyone; even though the truth is, I am curious and extremely confused about these emotions that I feel and maybe-feel about, towards, and as a result of him. If only I could – if only I could – I really want to entrust someone with whom we could, together, dissect and closely scrutinize the constant confusion and bigger-than-my-body questions that plague my soul.
But to even try putting these thoughts into words to be voiced out loud…
How do I explain to anyone that though it is true we don’t know each other that well; ever since that particular rainy day, he keeps feeling inexplicably familiar? The sentence ‘I have loved you before I even met you’ from one of the ’90s love songs suddenly makes a lot of crazy sense these days that it makes me feel like oh crap, I am the crazy one.
How do I explain to anyone without sounding downright lunatic and/or delusional that even though the period in which we kept running into each other was short – one month – it was inexplicably loaded and… in a way, intense? Or… perhaps… maybe… it was intense and thus meaningful to only me; I’m not sure how he feels, and I doubt I’ll ever know.
I think it would be nice to know – but I can deal with not knowing. What I’ve trouble understanding and cannot not know is myself. Why do I feel all that I am feeling now? Why is this person so significant when I am so insignificant to him?
I also think of Nayyirah Waheed’s words often, “There will be a love for you that will be ready.” I think of the weight of truth embedded within them, and how that weight applies to my present situation. I think of these words often whenever I attempt to think seriously about the idea of an ‘us’ between myself and A. Isn’t it ironic? What used to be thought of as ‘possibility’ – now keeps feeling like an impossibly grave task. I think of Waheed’s sentence often whenever I think of timing in general, too; what the word ‘ready‘ means …and what happens as consequence, when one or both parties cite ‘not ready’.
I think of timing, and my intuition keeps hinting that it is not ‘now‘. Even if it is true – if – we are each other’s prayers incarnated; even if this is indeed love… missed timing means that though this is love, it is an almost. It never made it.
I have so many questions. On my mind, in my heart…
…but I just don’t know where, how to even formulate them into coherent, answerable questions.
How does one explain heartbreak without actually having gone through one?
How does one explain how, and how deeply, God comes into this picture? How one cannot not put this in a God-context?
So while it is likely true that I am half-in-love – so what?
I don’t know what to do with these feelings, especially when they’re wrapped five layers thick in naivety and confusion.