“There’s love, and… but… no.”

Maybe one day I’ll talk about why this half-in-love loving feels significant; maybe someday I’ll finally be able to reconcile with the ghosts from my past and the humans in my heart; maybe one day I’ll muster enough courage to admit out loud the reasons for believing I am handicapped when it comes to love, incapable and a foreigner to love; maybe someday I’ll finally be able to express, coherently and truthfully, exactly what and why my belated realization of A’s presence is soul-shaking.


“Now that I am older, I’m no longer hard on those who want marriage for themselves. Personally, I don’t understand that desire and wanting – but I respect and accept that each of us have different desires and aspirations in life.”

“What do you mean?” 

“If you know me well enough – you’ll know I have strong opinions about the institution of marriage. Unfavorable, even. I think I just generally hate how marriage is perceived and viewed in our society and Asian societies; I think I’m still angry about this, even now. But mostly it’s that I just… I’ve seen and heard enough, I think, that I understand what it is and isn’t, and the trade-offs and sacrifices which will eventually follow. Marriage is… many things. And even the best love falters-“

“But you’ve your parents. Aren’t their relationship your example and evidence?”

I paused, uncertain of my next move and response.

“No,” I finally blurted out, making a face as I said these words. “There’s love, and… but… no.”


That day has yet to arrive.


One thought on ““There’s love, and… but… no.”

  1. Hi Jandoe, I’ve not followed all your entries but I have read some posts here and there when I check my onesecondspring inbox and it was lovely to read of you falling in love. If I am to be very honest, I think the fear of rejection does pervades your posts. Vulnerability and courage can be such a beautiful dance, it takes such great bravery to truly open oneself up to another.

    I’m happily married, but I don’t see marriage as right for everyone in life, or even a required “want” for everyone. But, I do think that if you ever meet someone you want to marry, that is a precious gift indeed. I do sometimes sense that you fear that your true self is unlovable or even unloving… and I don’t pretend to know your true self of course, but love is I think more interesting than that. Don’t dilute yourself, for the love that comes at your true level, is the love that you want indeed.

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