“There’s love, and… but… no.”

Maybe one day I’ll talk about why this half-in-love loving feels significant; maybe someday I’ll finally be able to reconcile with the ghosts from my past and the humans in my heart; maybe one day I’ll muster enough courage to admit out loud the reasons for believing I am handicapped when it comes to love, incapable and a foreigner to love; maybe someday I’ll finally be able to express, coherently and truthfully, exactly what and why my belated realization of A’s presence is soul-shaking.

.

“Now that I am older, I’m no longer hard on those who want marriage for themselves. Personally, I don’t understand that desire and wanting – but I respect and accept that each of us have different desires and aspirations in life.”

“What do you mean?” 

“If you know me well enough – you’ll know I have strong opinions about the institution of marriage. Unfavorable, even. I think I just generally hate how marriage is perceived and viewed in our society and Asian societies; I think I’m still angry about this, even now. But mostly it’s that I just… I’ve seen and heard enough, I think, that I understand what it is and isn’t, and the trade-offs and sacrifices which will eventually follow. Marriage is… many things. And even the best love falters-“

“But you’ve your parents. Aren’t their relationship your example and evidence?”

I paused, uncertain of my next move and response.

“No,” I finally blurted out, making a face as I said these words. “There’s love, and… but… no.”

.

That day has yet to arrive.

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One thought on ““There’s love, and… but… no.”

  1. Hi Jandoe, I’ve not followed all your entries but I have read some posts here and there when I check my onesecondspring inbox and it was lovely to read of you falling in love. If I am to be very honest, I think the fear of rejection does pervades your posts. Vulnerability and courage can be such a beautiful dance, it takes such great bravery to truly open oneself up to another.

    I’m happily married, but I don’t see marriage as right for everyone in life, or even a required “want” for everyone. But, I do think that if you ever meet someone you want to marry, that is a precious gift indeed. I do sometimes sense that you fear that your true self is unlovable or even unloving… and I don’t pretend to know your true self of course, but love is I think more interesting than that. Don’t dilute yourself, for the love that comes at your true level, is the love that you want indeed.

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