“I found out yesterday that another pair of friends are now together… that guy whom our cousin kept trying to match make us, remember him…? I heard it from her, honestly. Cos she’s the one I’m close with, and girls talk. I’ve been indirectly helping him to ‘get’ her, basically. And this is also where I admit I grief in private, secretly, over this…”
“…not because I like him – I don’t, and we’re incompatible as you put it last time, “He’s very far from your soul”; that’s absolutely true – but because she, like all other girls who are my close friends from the past, is very different from me. I just came back from a religious gathering-of-sorts at her place with another friend and was able to view her from an Islamic perspective , and… now I know that we are in fact different not just from a personality standpoint. She is… how do I say this… like all other friends from the past -they have ideas? They have wants and wishes and these hypothetical scenarios if they were to be in a relationship – though they word it as ‘when’ , not ‘if’.
“It’s clear from the way they speak and express that they’ve thought of how they want to raise their future kids, the kind of wives they want and hope to be, the kind of relationship dynamics they would need to work on to achieve balance from an Islamic viewpoint… she, like them, has thought of these things. I’m just… lost.”
“Looking and hearing and seeing all these, I’m just… flummoxed. Bewildered. Waking up to the fact that am I the abnormal one for never thinking beyond what I want and hope? And always thinking of myself as one person irrespective in terms of past, present and future? Then it all comes back to me too, what he said to our cousin about me – I’m ‘too difficult’ to ‘get’. That girls like me… I think… girls like me aren’t – can’t ? – be ‘tamed’.”
I think I just… I don’t know if I can ever find and achieve that balance of being ‘less’, especially in terms of being and acting independently and autonomous. It makes me feel… it’s like now knowing she, the ‘softer’ type, is the type of girl that one goes for in the end.”
“Why are girls like me always too much? ‘Difficult’? ‘Too independent’? ‘Too strong’? Because I put myself first…? Maybe I’m asking because I’ve established I’m all of these and I don’t know how not to be. In choosing to be myself – again, as in the past – it is like I’m therefore not able to be loved in a similar manner and perhaps more accurately, romantically. This makes me… both angry and sad. Why is this my fault?”
“I don’t mean to unload on you … (I understand you’ve no answers) I think I just feel sad -as a woman and as a person. I’ve come to terms with the fact that yes, I’m too much of a hurricane. I’m okay with that. But I feel like I’m always reminded that in reality, very few people do not mind this and it just makes me feel terribly sad.”
I woke up this morning to this image as Eldest Sis’ reply (bless her, wunderkind of a soul), a reminder that while it’s true I am a hurricane, “It’s not you. I think it just so happens that you’re surrounded by people who seem to have the same recurring traits… but this is not the only perspective out there.”
This is not the only perspective out there.
I must remember this.