“You know, you never really talked about your thing with marriage. I’m very curious.”
“In what sense…?”
“As in I don’t really know why, like I know how you feel about it and the reasoning of it all, but I don’t know what about what you dealt with growing up that led you to it. … Never mind, let’s not go further; I don’t want to overstep boundaries.”
“Hey, you’re fine. It’s just a conscious decision on my part, to not talk about what happened.”
“I’m curious – though you don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable – on two things.
One, when you say you don’t think favorably about marriage… is it because of what you’d seen with us, your siblings’ marriages I mean, that makes you think, ‘no – this isn’t for me’? Two, when you say that you think you’re handicapped in romantic love… is it because of these unfavorable thoughts you have about marriage and relationships…?”
“It’s not… you guys. It’s… it all comes down to… what happened, growing up. And though there’s love between them – back then and even now, in the aftermath – I just… it’s the aftereffects of what I experienced and observed as a child. As for you guys’ marriages… you guys are fine… I’m okay. If anything, observing and knowing what I do about each of my siblings’ marriages… they add to my knowledge bank on this? These are my reaffirmation, evidences, to back up what I believe I already know. Being older now though, means I do believe I understand better now, why they made certain decisions and why things transpired the way they did… and… there’s love, yeah – but it’s not enough, you know? I know this firsthand. Though things are better now, I remember what happened; I don’t want to go through that myself. For both questions you asked… the answer is the same. The root cause is what I grew up with and what I now have to reconcile as an adult.”
“My soul-friend said something the other day that made me feel sad, when I heard it.
‘Maybe I’m too independent,’ she said.
That made me sad. Because she’s cool – I really think so. I love her exactly because she is who she is.
I had a reply for her, but I think even my reply is telling of the kind of woman that I am? Independent – that’s what both of us are. Anyway, I told her, ‘I don’t think there’s such a thing as ‘too independent’ – if anything, I think you’re realistic. I mean, we can have wants and wishes and we should – but we can’t build our lives around a figure that may or may not appear, y’know? We can’t put our lives on hold, living a half-life, waiting for someone to complete the picture…
…because what if that figure doesn’t appear? I think you’re independent – but I also see nothing wrong with that.'”
“If there’s a misconception I wish I could correct though, it’s that just because we’re independent women who are self-sufficient, doesn’t mean that we don’t need anyone. I mean, maybe it is true we don’t need anyone – but just because we don’t need anyone doesn’t mean we can’t and don’t want anyone, you know? I don’t think anyone chooses to grow old alone.”
I think 2016 is the year that I’m finally forced to confront one of my deepest fears:
What is romantic love? How does one love? Is there love for me? Am I… capable… to love in that way?