of love and becoming woman, part I.


“You know, you never really talked about your thing with marriage. I’m very curious.”

“In what sense…?”

“As in I don’t really know why, like I know how you feel about it and the reasoning of it all, but I don’t know what about what you dealt with growing up that led you to it. … Never mind, let’s not go further; I don’t want to overstep boundaries.”

“Hey, you’re fine. It’s just a conscious decision on my part, to not talk about what happened.”


“I’m curious – though you don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable – on two things.

One, when you say you don’t think favorably about marriage… is it because of what you’d seen with us, your siblings’ marriages I mean, that makes you think, ‘no – this isn’t for me’?  Two, when you say that you think you’re handicapped in romantic love… is it because of these unfavorable thoughts you have about marriage and relationships…?”

“It’s not… you guys. It’s… it all comes down to… what happened, growing up. And though there’s love between them – back then and even now, in the aftermath – I just… it’s the aftereffects of what I experienced and observed as a child. As for you guys’ marriages… you guys are fine… I’m okay. If anything, observing and knowing what I do about each of my siblings’ marriages… they add to my knowledge bank on this? These are my reaffirmation, evidences, to back up what I believe I already know. Being older now though, means I do believe I understand better now, why they made certain decisions and why things transpired the way they did… and… there’s love, yeah – but it’s not enough, you know? I know this firsthand. Though things are better now, I remember what happened; I don’t want to go through that myself. For both questions you asked… the answer is the same. The root cause is what I grew up with and what I now have to reconcile as an adult.” 


“My soul-friend said something the other day that made me feel sad, when I heard it.

‘Maybe I’m too independent,’ she said.

That made me sad. Because she’s cool – I really think so. I love her exactly because she is who she is.

I had a reply for her, but I think even my reply is telling of the kind of woman that I am? Independent – that’s what both of us are. Anyway, I told her, ‘I don’t think there’s such a thing as ‘too independent’ – if anything, I think you’re realistic. I mean, we can have wants and wishes and we should – but we can’t build our lives around a figure that may or may not appear, y’know? We can’t put our lives on hold, living a half-life, waiting for someone to complete the picture…

…because what if that figure doesn’t appear? I think you’re independent – but I also see nothing wrong with that.'”


“If there’s a misconception I wish I could correct though, it’s that just because we’re independent women who are self-sufficient, doesn’t mean that we don’t need anyone. I mean, maybe it is true we don’t need anyone – but just because we don’t need anyone doesn’t mean we can’t and don’t want anyone, you know? I don’t think anyone chooses to grow old alone.”


I think 2016 is the year that I’m finally forced to confront one of my deepest fears:

What is romantic love? How does one love? Is there love for me? Am I… capable… to love in that way?


One thought on “of love and becoming woman, part I.

  1. I m the last of 9 siblings so I grow up seeing their relationship (they are all married with kids) and my parents.
    So I didnt want to have someone or anything because I was afraid that he couldn t understand me etc etc or because love will not last etc
    But finally I was tired of always thinking “what if” is it him The man “Am I too complicated” I dont to be like them” “not the same mistakes etc and I found that it was me who made all this complicated it was very simple.
    I said let it all be on god and say Inshallah and make salat of istikhara (prayer of consultation before you do anything) and You know what happend ?
    My brother introduced the little brother of his friend I rejected the idea but finaly I said why not ?
    I made the prayer and talk to him we saw eachother and the connection was there so al hamdolilah now we are married and I m really happy that it s Him because we can really make long discussion etc its very nice.
    So dont compare yoursself with others esach one have his personality so you will not be like them you will have yoir own story with your mistakes and happiness.

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