ten months and counting: the fighter.

Today I realized that I absolutely hate how my voice still shakes, until now, when I talk about work – and how it doesn’t, when I speak about what my siblings and parents do, or how I lived in my past lives. Why is it that I am still unable to speak about my day-to-day tasks with the same passion and confidence that I am able to carry other topics? The only thing I’m sure about is I’ve learned that it is possible – indeed it is – to get better at a job and deliver without actually liking what I do (“-but where’s the passion?” I know; I’m in search, too). This evening I had an early dinner with colleagues and one of them described our project engineer role as “the person who is integral in bringing other people together so that we’re all walking and heading towards the same path.” Woah – that’s passion. And then there’s of course …me, who when asked to describe project engineering, still find myself saying, “My work is literally to chase other people for other people.” How… (un)inspiring. Five months ago, I told myself that my goal is to survive in this role. Fast-forward to now and I… wonder if this goal is succeeding only too well… Because I’m surviving alright – but how much of my heart is in this?

Why does my voice still annoyingly shake, my inflection obviously uneasy?

(And at times like this, I remind myself: Calm down – Rome was not built in a day.)

“You hope to earn your living as a tailor,
so that all your life you might be supported by that; 
but He causes your daily bread
to come to you through the goldsmith’s craft –
a means of livelihood you never imagined. 
Why then, were your hopes set on tailoring,
when He didn’t intend
to let your daily bread reach you from that?
It was by reason of a marvelous provision
in the knowledge of God – an order
He wrote in the eternal past:
that your thoughts should be bewildered,
so that bewilderment alone might be your business.”
— [Mathnawi VI, 4197-4201]

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