the fighter, welcoming November.

I thought I’ve been doing a pretty good job at being an adult this year here in Miri …but 4/(I’ve lost count of our number now haha) of the family were here last weekend and apparently I’m still a far cry away from the adult I believe I am (driving skills included…). Having them here also made me realize what a different life I live now and how being here messes with my psyche. I think I love Miri for the easygoing life and small circle of found families I’ve built …but what happens when that circle disintegrates, and or people move on, literally and figuratively? Already, these changes are taking place.

(Case-in-point: K’s last day at work is today)

I ask myself hard questions these days about what I feel about my work (not great) and what happens if I accept this to be my new normal (“I’m ‘stuck’ -but I’ll live with it”). I ask myself, how do I envision the second-half of my twenties to play out? Does Miri fit into my next 5-year projection and what does that image look like? I did, after all, move here for the job.

These days, whenever I ask myself these hard questions about the Future – because at the back of my mind, I have a fear that for all my gusto in the past and present-day, already I am ‘settling’ – an old memory from 4 years ago, when I was an intern here, keeps resurfacing. It was a conversation I had over dinner with a colleague – then a Graduate himself – in which I said, in answer to his persistent question of what is it that I am afraid of, exactly, in choosing The Company?

“I’m afraid that someday I’ll look back,” I said, “And think: I had the whole world.”

I laid open the palm of my left hand. “I literally have the whole world for my taking right now – no debts, no commitments, no immediate obligations – to live wherever and however that I’m willing to try for.” Then I folded my palm and shaped a tiny circle with my left thumb and forefinger. “I had the whole world – and I gave it all up for The Company, in Miri.”

Sometimes I… wonder… if the nightmare is already here.

(But I also ask myself:
Where will I build a life – if not in Malaysia?
The flaw in my heart’s compass is that it will always yearn for and thus point back to home)

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