‘fundamentally wrong’

Chatted with a friend today who brought up (though perhaps jokingly) the need to meet new people next year because this would increase her probability of finding a husband, which surprised me (I’ve nothing against this) because until now, similar thoughts have never crossed my mind. Truth be told, it is in moments like this that I always wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me because despite being a chronic planner, I’ve never factored the possibility of a plus one in all my life plans. No matter how far I project into the future – the image is only of myself. When I get invites to friend’s weddings (though admittedly these are rare since I’ve lost touch with many), I’m often puzzled by how they got themselves there, whether they’d wanted this all along or knew they would arrive there eventually.

Because I recall when I was a teenager… and my dream was to further my studies Stateside (mainly because I hate the exam-oriented British education system), or when I was in undergrad and went in pursuit of grad school. When I made it to grad school, I worked hard to stay in. Now I’m here, a year into work-life and I’m still driven – desperate even sometimes – to achieve two goals (not necessarily mutually exclusive); to prove my credibility as a project engineer and to return to the environmental space. Nowhere… in these dreams and goals… do picket fences appear. When I was younger, I was often advised not to worry for my lack of sentiments on this because the inclination will hit naturally” …but I’m now twenty-five (twenty-six in less than six months!) and I’ve yet to feel differently. Is it that people have moved on while I’m still ‘here‘ – wherever that is – or my definition of ‘there‘ is simply different from most women?

This remains a puzzling thought.

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