stalemate.

I think I generally think too much about useless things which only end up bogging me down (Eldest Sis: “Your problem is you internalize too much!”) but these days, I’ve been filled with mixed feelings (mostly a strange kind of sadness) over thoughts of friends I have naturally drifted apart from and friendships that once defined entire eras and chapters, only to now be scattered dots of my past.

Last night I came across a photo of a group of girls (my seniors) from high school who were a close bunch then – still a close bunch now, even with some protruding bellies and rings on fingers and global distances. Looking at their cheeks pressed against each other, grinning from ear-to-ear… I’m puzzled. Where are those friends of my own now? (Do I have them? Does it matter?) How could these girls’ friendship circle outlast physical distance, new chapters and additional members? How could theirs remain timeless despite inevitable changing eras? I have lived through similar eras and life changes – but I stand alone, having outlived (sometimes abandoned) many if not all of them. 

Lately I am wary and reluctant to hold onto people anymore. I’m wanting yet resistant at building and forging new ones – because all my best ones, even the best ones… everyone leaves. I wonder if I am the only one who is stagnant – who doesn’t ‘get it’ when it comes to the trade-offs between friendship and growth – but even when love is present (or is it because love is present?) once growth and adulthood and life decisions occur, I’m by myself again.

I can only do this so many times, inevitable though it is.

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