Office Crush / Stranger Crush

A long list of what it is like in the inner recesses – still a maze and clouded by shame – of my mind and heart:

  • “He’s just not that into you”
  • “It feels like a rejection as an individual and it… hurts. I get it if you don’t like like me – but why won’t you like me?”
  • “If I didn’t say yes to dinner that Thursday night – it was such a stressful day! I knew I should never go into something new when I’m not feeling 100%… – could I have avoided the bad episode? Was it actually preventable?”
  • “If only that dinner happened on a different day – a lighter day…”
  • “I shouldn’t have. It was definitely a mistake to open up on that. I trusted wrongly.”
  • “But I don’t understand… why won’t you at least keep me as a friend?”
  • “If I didn’t text so much… if I wasn’t so exhausting in the group messages – am I exhausting?”
  • “…I am exhausting.”
  • “My gosh, I really need friends outside of the company and office.”
  • “WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU’RE SO GREAT TO BEGIN WITH”
  • “YOU’RE SO FULL OF YOURSELF” 
  • “YOU NARCISSISTIC PERSON, YOU NEVER EVEN ASKED ABOUT ME”
  • “Why won’t you like me?”
  • “Why won’t you-” 
  • “He’s just not that into you”
  • (Why, how come…?)

When life tests and teaches me like this, I find it hardest to sit still, in silence, with myself.

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