I’m going to try writing this down to find out if I can make sense of this ache… . I have struggled to fit in my whole life to the point it now feels like a lifetime predicament. Fitting in. How I loathe these 2 words. These days I wonder if it is a psychological … More ‘fitting in’: a lifetime predicament.
One of my favorite year-end musing – here’s from December 17, 2017: A rainy Sunday-evening-in-December confession: 2017 is yet another year of confronting cultural emotional baggage and continued confusion of my longtime ocean of identity crisis where I’m neither quite this nor that, thus never quite accepted or comfortable in either. I recently told Eldest … More cultural emotional baggage.
From December 30, 2017: Georgetown is lovely – straddling between nostalgia and modernization; multi-ethnicities, cultures and religions; changing times… it feels very much like an amalgam of everything it was, is, and could potentially be – which feels crazy familiar. It’s like finding and observing myself in concrete spaces, architectures, and backstories. I told Eldest … More ‘otherness’
Eldest Sis shared something profound tonight, in response to my usual thought of “-but I am the opposite; I don’t know why or how anyone could or would desire things like marriage and relationships. It feels too much like putting all your stakes on a highly dynamic, variable and totally unpredictable thing – another person. … More November: you, I, Him (we).
Eldest Sis, with a claim of “if I may make a subtle observation…”, thinks that I would have reacted differently to this turn-of-events had he been a Muslim boy. “If he was a Muslim boy,” she wrote, “it’s highly likely you won’t have all these doubts now and might be even more ready to try this … More November: a plot twist.
Eldest Sis says that everyone is broken – it’s just a matter of whether, and when, we reveal our brokenness to each other. “The thing with you,” she continued, “is that you reveal yours all the time.” But she also reminded me that others aren’t perfect – despite whatever I may believe; they have and … More mid-November (also known as chickening out).
i. The first time I listened to John Mayer’s song ‘In The Blood’ fresh from his latest album The Search for Everything, I cried. Then I played the song on loop, letting each word and feeling course through me with overwhelming familiarity. I’ve been there too, I thought to myself as if I was responding to … More exotic / endangered
i. Just as August gave way to September, the latter gently bid goodbye to make way for October. Likewise the boy – more real than mere words on paper or two-dimensional photos – has gone from August to September to now, October boy. Since the last time I wrote about him, a few meet-ups have … More October weather (“It’s cos you met me at 26”);
Thursday’s late-late-night musing, in the form of a series of texts to Eldest Sis: If I think about it as a Muslim or a person of faith, I feel very grateful to cross path with an ally or a kindred spirit and build this new friendship-with-maybe-potential while doing what I love, and loving the person … More in August, of warmth and softening;
Yesterday evening Eldest Sis (my soul-sister; wisdom whisperer; forever sage) reminded me to walk the middle path, “-and do not succumb to ideals nor…” She paused, grasping air as she attempted to retrieve the right word. “Norm?” I supplied to her. “Ideals and norms,” she repeated in agreement. “Our society’s view is often too monocular – … More the middle path.